Akron Car Pooper – the most dastardly of car vandals

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Akron, Ohio police are seeking a disgusting car vandal - a man known only as the Akron Car Pooper.

Akron, Ohio police are seeking a disgusting car vandal – a man known only as the Akron Car Pooper.

Among the most notorious car vandals out there right now is the man known only as the Akron Car Pooper. This abominable and detestable villain singles out random individuals, waits until they park and defecates on their cars, having struck at least 19 times.

Police seeking Akron Car Pooper

Police in Akron, Ohio are actively seeking a man who has been dubbed the “Akron Car Pooper” due to his predilection for…well…putting his droppings on people’s cars. This man on the loose has dropped a deuce 19 times on various people’s cars in that city since May of 2012, or at least those are the known number of incidents according to UPI.

So far there isn’t any known connection to the targets of this dastardly doo-doo deliverer, but what is known is that he has only struck inside the Akron borough of Castle Homes. He also tends to strike just after dawn dumps the first rays of sunshine onto the Akron landscape, striking most often between the time of 5:30 am and 6:30 am.

Serial squatter

Though “19 cases” of the “Akron Car Pooper” is being touted as the official tally, reports indicated the man tends to hit the same car multiple times. According to the Huffington Post, when the first reported victim called the police in May 2012, she reported that the instance she was reporting was the second time he had struck.

Another victim reported the crime in Oct. 2013, the third instance they had been thusly targeted, and another person reported a troika of incidents three months later. Yet another person reported being victimized for the sixth time in 2014; a recent victim (names and exact dates are being withheld) reported they had been struck up to eight times this year.

The man’s picture was captured in the act by an unidentified area man, whose daughter’s car has been hit six times and to do something about it, set up a game camera in his neighborhood, catching a photograph of the man in the act. Akron police are steaming away on his trail.

Rogues gallery

The “Akron Car Pooper” is certainly one of the most disgusting examples of serial car vandalism in living memory. Granted, it is sort of funny in a thoroughly (probably reprehensibly) juvenile way, but it’s far from the worst things to do to cars.

Aside from internet tropes of vehicles belonging to philanderous spouses/significant others being vandalized, there are some other infamous examples. The worst is probably what happens in France. Every New Year’s, hundreds of cars are set on fire; sometimes more than one thousand.

Then there is Edward Smith from Washington state. Smith, now in his 60’s, has a fetish known as mechanophilia or mechophilia, which is a type of objectophilia or a sexual attraction to objects. Mechanophilia is being attracted to mechanical objects.

In fairness, some cars are legitimately bite-the-back-of-your-hand gorgeous. (Alfa Romeo 4C, Alfa Romeo 8C, Ferrari 458, Jaguar E-Type, most Aston Martins, I could go on.) How many people have been said to be “in love with their car”? This man REALLY is.

And that fetish has been gratified, according to a 2013 post on Jalopnik, a number of times. (He has had at least one human girlfriend.) At the time of that post being written, he intended to settle down and make an honest car out of “Vanilla,” his vintage Volkswagen Beetle. Various outlets also reported he is or was in a polyamourous relationship with “Vanilla” and a red Ford Ranger.


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